TALISMAN

[Lisa Arnold]

TALISMAN


Phantom shadow rises
over sultry city.
Ominous winds
blow cold.

Crooked branches hang
from rotten trees.
Scattered leaves
blow in the breeze.

Murky silhouette
cascades off dense clouds.
Misty rains descend, heavily,
from ebony sky.

In the near distance,
hum of veiled voices,
muffle
piercing scream's
echo.

Vipers slither in the grass.
Steel-gray eyes
search black night
for any avenue of escape.

Edge of dawn soon will rise.
Haunted soul clutches talisman,
crossing muddy waters
over to the other side,
praying life does not end
before morning sunrise.


©2006 Lisa Arnold

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[burquepoet]

The first three things I see right off the bat are:
1. trees not "tress"
2. Your use of mystique. In this piece, it is used as an adjective, but it is, in fact, a noun. Could you possibly have meant "mystic"?
3. any way not "anyway"

More to come.

Sal in Albuquerque, NM

[Lisa Arnold]

thanks Sal,

yes tress is a typo meant trees and meant misty instead of mystique

[rrw]

Well, I'm looking at it, Lisa. What do you mean by hanging there? What, if any, do you think are the problems with the piece?

I like the images in the piece. Very dark. If there's not a particular syllable rhythm you're looking at, you might think about actually saying less making it maybe just a little more ominous and a little more abstract. Maybe ideas need to be less connected by words like "as' "for" etc. You might consider making some of the verbs more active. What do you think?

[Lisa Arnold]

Hi rrw,

well what I mean by "hanging there" is that it seems flat to me, especially the last section...

thanks so much for the read and advice, I will think over your suggestions and do a rewrite soon...

[Carin]

Hi Lisa, I love this!

so much mystery to it, the rewrite is my favorite version, good work as always!

I would like to suggest using another word stronger than "breeze" but other than that this is a great write:)

[Lisa Arnold]

thanks Carin!

I agree I dont think "breeze" is a strong enough word either

I appreciate the read and nice comments:)

[rrw]

The changes are very subtle but I think they work really nice. Again, very strong, dark images in this one.

[Lisa Arnold]

thanks rrw:)

really appreciate your insight...

[Sharon]

Hey Lisa, I really like the rewrite...much mystery to this write...

[Carin]

hey Lisa, I was thinking about that line again,

Crooked branches hang
from rotten trees.
Scattered leaves
blowvacantly in the breeze.

I take it you are using "vacant" to mean freely?

[Zeb]

Howzit Lisa..Itz image laden to say the least..I'm curious why itz impersonal..e.g "sultry city"..like why not A "sultry city"..aside..Maybe drop some superfluous stuff and add in some extra description..
I think itz a fine piece..maybe a tad bit of tweaking could stop it from "hanging"..erm I shall offer an example of what I mean..k..here goes..

TALISMAN


Phantom shadows rise
Over sultry a city,
An ominous wind
Creeps coldly.

Crooked branches droop
Listless on rotten trees
As scattered leaves
Dance in the breeze.

Mirky silhouettes
Cascade off dense clouds,
Misty rains descend heavily
From the ebony sky.

In the near distance
A hum of veiled voices,
Muffle piercing scream's
Echoing around.

Vipers slither amidst grass,
Steel-grey eyes
Search a black night
For an avenue of escape.

Edge of dawn shall soon rise,
A haunted soul clutches a talisman,
Crossing muddied waters,
Trudging to the other side,
Praying life doesn't end
Before morning sunshine.

[Lisa Arnold]

Hey Warrenz,

I like some of your suggestions, thanks so much for the read and comments!

I will be looking them over:)

[Treasure]

Hi Lisa, I love your rewrite, I would keep it as it is, good work!

[Sara]

love the second version of this Lisa, good imagery and sense of mystery