Post by thoughtswithin on Mar 13, 2009 9:39:53 GMT -5
Will Power
It's been rough! It's been a rough long and bumpy road, still is, and every day is a battle and a struggle.
My whole life; childhood throughout my teenage years, all the way up to my young adult life, I've tried to fit in, to be accepted by others, by society. Looking for a reason to be, to fight, to live, but I can finally say that I'm proud of my accomplishments and of where and of who I am today.
Of course no one could pay me to go back in time, but I'll tell you this, if I wouldn't gone through what I¡¦ve been through, I wouldn't be the person that I am today; strong, understanding, giving, loving and definitely big hearted woman.
Back then, I was on a mission; to be happy, to have my own family; someone to call my own, someone who would love me and accept me for who I was. But who was I really? Where did I come from? I got used to it after a while. I became numb to all of those feelings I had, I just didn't care anymore. I was just "me", Claudine!
Last January 24th, 2004, I finally saw the light! Something powerful happened that day, until today I¡¦m not sure what it was, but it just happened. I finally decided to get on that boat and got ready for a long voyage.
I was so lost that I didn't know if I was coming or going, literally. I remember being on the bus. Which one, I didn't know, where was it going, I didn't even know. All I knew is, that at some point I would have to get off and come back. Come back to what or to whom? I had nowhere really, and no one. Come back where? 'Til today I'm not sure where that was. All I remember is being on that bus thinking and wondering. Wondering if this was it for me; if I'll ever be out of my pain I was feeling, out of my rage, out of my fears and just be happy!
I used to daydream about working in one of those big Government glassy building downtown; where I could see women wearing business suits, nice dresses and shoes, hair done, manicure and pedicures showing, etc¡K
At times, I would see some of them coming out of those fancy spas or restaurants on Bank Street or while taking a walk on Sparks Street.
I would then daydream about walking down Bank Street wearing one of those business suits, with my hair all nicely done, coming out of a fancy restaurant, on my way to an appointment I had to a local spa named, SAAB salon!
Trying to comfort myself, I was thinking and day dreaming, that one day, I'll be there too! Some how, I'll make it there too¡Kas I would put my sunglasses back on so that I could cry in peace and silence.
Always did my best thinking on bus rides.
This is a story about my life, about things that I have gone through, things I have seen, and things that I shouldn't have experienced at all. It's about things I would change if I could; people I have met and associated with; people who actually maybe cared for me, people who didn't care; people who had made it their mission to hurt me, people who have helped me, people who genuinely helped me!
This is a story about the choices I've made, my decisions, my mistakes, my experiences, my pains, my sorrows, my rage, my hopes and dreams, my fears.
I don't know if this will ever get published, but if it does, I want to be able to reach out to those who are going through similar experiences or situations that brought them to seek for help.
I want to share with you what I didn't have; someone to tell me what they already knew, that if I would've known then what I know now, things could've been maybe a little different for me. But, you and I know that with a bunch of Coulda' , shoulda' , woulda, and ifs and buts, don't take you anywhere but stresses the hell outta y'a!
Unfortunately, we all become a part of the statistics one way or another. You just never think that you will be! You don't know
how, when, why and in what category, until it happens!
Just know that there is a way out and that you're not alone. There are other people like you out there going through the same things you're experiencing right now. Maybe even worst than yours, nevertheless important, but there is a way out! There's no saying how long it will take or when all this will end, only you can decide that. Everyone deals with dramatic or traumatic situations every day, but certainly in different ways at different pace.
You just have to find that strength within you, find that drive, find those hopes and dreams you had and still have within yourself. With your hopes and dreams, your perseverance, your will power, your patience, things will change. In time, you will get off that bus and stop wondering where you're going and you'll just get there.
You will be on you way to shore to get on that boat, ready and willing to undertake challenges, new experiences. It will be a new journey, a new voyage! You will be ready for different hopes and dreams maybe, a different and a new life!
Me, I've been on that boat for quite a while now, but I'm getting closer to shore, and the boat is finally a whole lot lighter then it was. I had too much luggage on the boat. I was drowning! I finally realized that the only way to survive was to get rid of everything and anything too heavy. And so I did! Slowly but surely, I started to through off board everything that would get in the way of my personal growth to a better life for myself. It was and it is hard to do that when you feel that you're on your own to do this, you learn and find ways to suppress it all and when you¡¦re used to have so many luggages to carry around for so long, that it becomes a part of your life that never seems to go away.
So eventually, you find yourself sometimes at the at the edge of a cliff, and you jump, you jump because you're so sick and tired of being scared all the time, other times you jump just to see what it feels like to fall!
So I guess that day, I sincerely believe that an angel pulled me off that cliff, and put me on that boat. So when I get ready to get off, I want you to be there, on shore, waiting for me. I want to show you
that it's possible to make it safe to shore on your own, but it doesn't have to be that way, since you'll have me at your side if you
this.
So here I am now, trying to return the favour back to you, by writing this book, and sharing stories of different situations I've gone through in my life with you. My whole purpose for this book is simply for my own personal satisfactions. It would benefit me in ways that no one could maybe understand unless you're on that shore waiting for me. Maybe you'll see some similarities to situations you've gone through, and hopefully you can maybe find some comfort in finding out that you're not the only one waiting for that boat to return and get on it or to maybe finally get off it. And of course this would definitely be therapeutically for me to write this book since I've got so much to tell and no one to maybe really understand the pain and frustrations I've been having my whole life until today still, but found ways to deal with it better.
You might even find some of its content informative, as I'll also share with you some things I've read on the net or in books for my own personal knowledge and research on different issues I had to deal with in my life.
So even if this book never finds you, this will be, by far, my biggest achievement ever.
If it does, then I'll be that much closer to my everlasting dream to come true. To help one person to get on that boat, or maybe, to at least be at your side to just take that long walk to shore to help you get ready for that long voyage and to go through a rough long and bumpy road! But in the end, it's all worth it! I'm living proof of it all!
Now, I know that this day will come and when it does, you'll be a survivor not the victim anymore, and you'll find piece within you and will be able to stop wondering about when, when will it happen?
And, well, I know I haven't exhausted the possibilities; now wiser, I know that there's light after dark; sunshine after rain; smiles after tears; love after hatred; healing after pain; satisfaction after frustration; strength after weakness; faith after failure; friends after enemies; dreams after nightmares; paradise after hell; gains after losses; and finally, happiness after misery!
From afar now, you can see a house, it's a bigger house that you're used to, but you're getting anxious just thinking about all the new options and possibilities. You feel lighter, as you only now have a bag, as oppose to luggages. It's easier to carry around. You can see that the house has a lot of big windows and a door; only this time, you have the key!
Are you ready? This is my story!
It's been rough! It's been a rough long and bumpy road, still is, and every day is a battle and a struggle.
My whole life; childhood throughout my teenage years, all the way up to my young adult life, I've tried to fit in, to be accepted by others, by society. Looking for a reason to be, to fight, to live, but I can finally say that I'm proud of my accomplishments and of where and of who I am today.
Of course no one could pay me to go back in time, but I'll tell you this, if I wouldn't gone through what I¡¦ve been through, I wouldn't be the person that I am today; strong, understanding, giving, loving and definitely big hearted woman.
Back then, I was on a mission; to be happy, to have my own family; someone to call my own, someone who would love me and accept me for who I was. But who was I really? Where did I come from? I got used to it after a while. I became numb to all of those feelings I had, I just didn't care anymore. I was just "me", Claudine!
Last January 24th, 2004, I finally saw the light! Something powerful happened that day, until today I¡¦m not sure what it was, but it just happened. I finally decided to get on that boat and got ready for a long voyage.
I was so lost that I didn't know if I was coming or going, literally. I remember being on the bus. Which one, I didn't know, where was it going, I didn't even know. All I knew is, that at some point I would have to get off and come back. Come back to what or to whom? I had nowhere really, and no one. Come back where? 'Til today I'm not sure where that was. All I remember is being on that bus thinking and wondering. Wondering if this was it for me; if I'll ever be out of my pain I was feeling, out of my rage, out of my fears and just be happy!
I used to daydream about working in one of those big Government glassy building downtown; where I could see women wearing business suits, nice dresses and shoes, hair done, manicure and pedicures showing, etc¡K
At times, I would see some of them coming out of those fancy spas or restaurants on Bank Street or while taking a walk on Sparks Street.
I would then daydream about walking down Bank Street wearing one of those business suits, with my hair all nicely done, coming out of a fancy restaurant, on my way to an appointment I had to a local spa named, SAAB salon!
Trying to comfort myself, I was thinking and day dreaming, that one day, I'll be there too! Some how, I'll make it there too¡Kas I would put my sunglasses back on so that I could cry in peace and silence.
Always did my best thinking on bus rides.
This is a story about my life, about things that I have gone through, things I have seen, and things that I shouldn't have experienced at all. It's about things I would change if I could; people I have met and associated with; people who actually maybe cared for me, people who didn't care; people who had made it their mission to hurt me, people who have helped me, people who genuinely helped me!
This is a story about the choices I've made, my decisions, my mistakes, my experiences, my pains, my sorrows, my rage, my hopes and dreams, my fears.
I don't know if this will ever get published, but if it does, I want to be able to reach out to those who are going through similar experiences or situations that brought them to seek for help.
I want to share with you what I didn't have; someone to tell me what they already knew, that if I would've known then what I know now, things could've been maybe a little different for me. But, you and I know that with a bunch of Coulda' , shoulda' , woulda, and ifs and buts, don't take you anywhere but stresses the hell outta y'a!
Unfortunately, we all become a part of the statistics one way or another. You just never think that you will be! You don't know
how, when, why and in what category, until it happens!
Just know that there is a way out and that you're not alone. There are other people like you out there going through the same things you're experiencing right now. Maybe even worst than yours, nevertheless important, but there is a way out! There's no saying how long it will take or when all this will end, only you can decide that. Everyone deals with dramatic or traumatic situations every day, but certainly in different ways at different pace.
You just have to find that strength within you, find that drive, find those hopes and dreams you had and still have within yourself. With your hopes and dreams, your perseverance, your will power, your patience, things will change. In time, you will get off that bus and stop wondering where you're going and you'll just get there.
You will be on you way to shore to get on that boat, ready and willing to undertake challenges, new experiences. It will be a new journey, a new voyage! You will be ready for different hopes and dreams maybe, a different and a new life!
Me, I've been on that boat for quite a while now, but I'm getting closer to shore, and the boat is finally a whole lot lighter then it was. I had too much luggage on the boat. I was drowning! I finally realized that the only way to survive was to get rid of everything and anything too heavy. And so I did! Slowly but surely, I started to through off board everything that would get in the way of my personal growth to a better life for myself. It was and it is hard to do that when you feel that you're on your own to do this, you learn and find ways to suppress it all and when you¡¦re used to have so many luggages to carry around for so long, that it becomes a part of your life that never seems to go away.
So eventually, you find yourself sometimes at the at the edge of a cliff, and you jump, you jump because you're so sick and tired of being scared all the time, other times you jump just to see what it feels like to fall!
So I guess that day, I sincerely believe that an angel pulled me off that cliff, and put me on that boat. So when I get ready to get off, I want you to be there, on shore, waiting for me. I want to show you
that it's possible to make it safe to shore on your own, but it doesn't have to be that way, since you'll have me at your side if you
this.So here I am now, trying to return the favour back to you, by writing this book, and sharing stories of different situations I've gone through in my life with you. My whole purpose for this book is simply for my own personal satisfactions. It would benefit me in ways that no one could maybe understand unless you're on that shore waiting for me. Maybe you'll see some similarities to situations you've gone through, and hopefully you can maybe find some comfort in finding out that you're not the only one waiting for that boat to return and get on it or to maybe finally get off it. And of course this would definitely be therapeutically for me to write this book since I've got so much to tell and no one to maybe really understand the pain and frustrations I've been having my whole life until today still, but found ways to deal with it better.
You might even find some of its content informative, as I'll also share with you some things I've read on the net or in books for my own personal knowledge and research on different issues I had to deal with in my life.
So even if this book never finds you, this will be, by far, my biggest achievement ever.
If it does, then I'll be that much closer to my everlasting dream to come true. To help one person to get on that boat, or maybe, to at least be at your side to just take that long walk to shore to help you get ready for that long voyage and to go through a rough long and bumpy road! But in the end, it's all worth it! I'm living proof of it all!
Now, I know that this day will come and when it does, you'll be a survivor not the victim anymore, and you'll find piece within you and will be able to stop wondering about when, when will it happen?
And, well, I know I haven't exhausted the possibilities; now wiser, I know that there's light after dark; sunshine after rain; smiles after tears; love after hatred; healing after pain; satisfaction after frustration; strength after weakness; faith after failure; friends after enemies; dreams after nightmares; paradise after hell; gains after losses; and finally, happiness after misery!
From afar now, you can see a house, it's a bigger house that you're used to, but you're getting anxious just thinking about all the new options and possibilities. You feel lighter, as you only now have a bag, as oppose to luggages. It's easier to carry around. You can see that the house has a lot of big windows and a door; only this time, you have the key!
Are you ready? This is my story!
and 
all
time for me 
echoes, hope you all are doing well 
