Post by Vincent le Amant on Mar 4, 2006 0:46:09 GMT -5
While this is more an essay or satire than a story, it has been well met and perhaps shall continue to be. I wrote this for my English class when we were studying "A Modest Proposal", which is a great read. The assignment was to make our own modest proposal and follow John Donne's style. I hope you enjoy my satire of singers.
A Disharmonious Chord
A common occurrence these days is to come across several individuals lacking in that certain musical ability. Littering the streets are those who cannot sing and yet from some odd malfunction of judgment make great strides to make this fact known to all. From karaoke bars to cancer relays they offend the ears of any unfortunate bystander within shouting distance. We have all encountered them before: that white guy who is just not quite as fly as he so claims, or that sister who lacks a little soul. Within this very room there is without doubt someone known to have shattered a glass or two in his or her day. Please be sure to laugh at them (at a later date of course). In fact, the number of melody-molesters has become a great problem in today’s society. Luckily, there is still one solution to this dilemma to which I believe none may object.
Instead of acting like a good friend or quiet stranger, I suggest one should kindly approach the banshee and offer to buy her a few drinks (please note that I only refer to the insipid singer as female because of the convenience to my own gender, as it would be awkward for me to ask another man out for a few drinks unless I myself had already become inebriated). Now the reason for this is simple: unless she is a ventriloquist, she will be rendered silent while drinking. Also, as soon as the drinks begin their salutary effects, she will most likely forget all lyrics in her head, be unable to read any karaoke screen, and be reduced to humming or singing “la” slightly off pitch.
Indubitably, this too will shortly become aggravating. Therefore, the aforementioned victim of auditory abuse should then take this lovely lady away. In her current condition, I do not believe she would resist much. As an added bonus, the rest of the room should applaud the brave soul for his self-sacrificing act of heroism. As to where she is taken, it matters little. His place, hers, a hotel perhaps; any private area will do as long as it is outfitted with sharp utensils that are semi-sterile. Lay the lady down and perform the most minor of surgeries so that in amputation the whole may be spared. The instructions for this procedure may be found on my website.
From here, work must be done quickly. The black market has a constant need for body parts, such as the voice box currently in question. Selling it may fetch a high price unless it is around that jolly time of year in which carolers are about, as they tend to flood the market in this area. The money from this silent auction I estimate to be around $6,500. Of this sum, $6,000 goes to the confused lady, while the other $500 pays for the bathtub of ice and the gas spent driving to and hastily from the location of the operation. In this way, she may finally profit from her voice, and we may in turn finally profit from her silence.
This solution seems to solve the disharmonious dilemma with only negligible negative effects. Firstly, no crime is committed, as she is well paid for her services and time. Secondly, sign language is becoming more common and therefore she will still be able to communicate when necessary. Thirdly, she will not complain at all, or at least not very loudly. Finally, now that this deed is done we may all be of a sound mind.
A Disharmonious Chord
A common occurrence these days is to come across several individuals lacking in that certain musical ability. Littering the streets are those who cannot sing and yet from some odd malfunction of judgment make great strides to make this fact known to all. From karaoke bars to cancer relays they offend the ears of any unfortunate bystander within shouting distance. We have all encountered them before: that white guy who is just not quite as fly as he so claims, or that sister who lacks a little soul. Within this very room there is without doubt someone known to have shattered a glass or two in his or her day. Please be sure to laugh at them (at a later date of course). In fact, the number of melody-molesters has become a great problem in today’s society. Luckily, there is still one solution to this dilemma to which I believe none may object.
Instead of acting like a good friend or quiet stranger, I suggest one should kindly approach the banshee and offer to buy her a few drinks (please note that I only refer to the insipid singer as female because of the convenience to my own gender, as it would be awkward for me to ask another man out for a few drinks unless I myself had already become inebriated). Now the reason for this is simple: unless she is a ventriloquist, she will be rendered silent while drinking. Also, as soon as the drinks begin their salutary effects, she will most likely forget all lyrics in her head, be unable to read any karaoke screen, and be reduced to humming or singing “la” slightly off pitch.
Indubitably, this too will shortly become aggravating. Therefore, the aforementioned victim of auditory abuse should then take this lovely lady away. In her current condition, I do not believe she would resist much. As an added bonus, the rest of the room should applaud the brave soul for his self-sacrificing act of heroism. As to where she is taken, it matters little. His place, hers, a hotel perhaps; any private area will do as long as it is outfitted with sharp utensils that are semi-sterile. Lay the lady down and perform the most minor of surgeries so that in amputation the whole may be spared. The instructions for this procedure may be found on my website.
From here, work must be done quickly. The black market has a constant need for body parts, such as the voice box currently in question. Selling it may fetch a high price unless it is around that jolly time of year in which carolers are about, as they tend to flood the market in this area. The money from this silent auction I estimate to be around $6,500. Of this sum, $6,000 goes to the confused lady, while the other $500 pays for the bathtub of ice and the gas spent driving to and hastily from the location of the operation. In this way, she may finally profit from her voice, and we may in turn finally profit from her silence.
This solution seems to solve the disharmonious dilemma with only negligible negative effects. Firstly, no crime is committed, as she is well paid for her services and time. Secondly, sign language is becoming more common and therefore she will still be able to communicate when necessary. Thirdly, she will not complain at all, or at least not very loudly. Finally, now that this deed is done we may all be of a sound mind.
and 
all
time for me 
echoes, hope you all are doing well 
